Up too late….

I was stopped short today when I saw a picture come up in my screensaver slideshow. It was nothing spectacular, just one of the lupine in spring at OWW. But it occurred to me then what I’m missing… green. How purple the flowers are…. how green the grass was…. the bluest sky. It’s been mostly gray here, so I’m looking forward to spring. I’m too used to country and/or immediate access to nature, that I usually took it for granted, not realizing how much I missed it until today.

Lying in bed not being able to sleep is something I’m getting used to. But insomnia brings up all kinds of thoughts of things I miss. I miss accidentally kicking animals in my sleep and having to readjust around them as so not to disturb Their Royal Highnesses slumber. I miss driving (but have no desire to do it here). I miss people who know me, and know that I’m not an easy person to get to know and that just because I’m not super fore going, doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know you. I’m still shy, that’s just how it is. C’est la vie. I miss working… the job situation is approaching desperate here. I miss the crossword scratch off lottery tickets and playing them after dinner and margs at La Estacion with Cass and Ang. I miss driving a tram along the German route and having four Sandhill Cranes coming in for a landing alongside me… it’s a beautiful thing to see. I miss lambs, fawns, sun, and wearing sun glasses/sandals 95 % of the time. I miss my adopted (and real) grandparents. Oh, and Chippy.

Conversely, here are things I don’t miss:

Drinking Miller Lite because that’s the best available option, and having to drive a half hour to get anywhere. I don’t miss being at home, wishing I was doing something more interesting with my life, because ta da, here I am. I don’t miss the smell of factory in my nose from the night job, wearing safety glasses and picking bits of plastic/rubber off my clothes. I’m not missing feet of snow and the related shoveling. I also don’t miss running into people I have no desire to see on every trip to the gas station/grocery store/what have you. But that’s beside the point.

Other things I miss:

Spending a perfect summer night on a pier, talking to someone who really got me. Nothing off-limits, no pretensions, no assumptions, no expectations. Just a sliver of a moon cutting across the lake water and a sky like an Incubus song. “The sky resembles a back lit canopy with holes punched in it.” Wish You Were Here. If either of us had more game, we could have picked out constellations. But I only know the big three: Big Dipper, Little Dipper, Orion. Morning View fits here, but Coldplay makes more sense for how it was. “Get lost and then get found.” A hundred missed opportunities but a thousand moments that made up for it. Hours spent lost wandering, looking for something we eventually found, but it was too late anyway. Fitting, I guess. Au revoir, until we meet again. Je ne regrette rien.

They say honesty is the best policy, so this is me being honest. I’m glad I’m here, but it’s hard to get used to the noise. It’s odd trying to fit in somewhere I feel that I belong when it’s still so foreign. And in so much more than the literal sense. When we first moved to Eagle, I remember not being able to sleep at night because I was so used to the traffic in Milwaukee. Now I spend my nights staring out my window at a sky that never gets that dark, counting the time in between trams instead of stars. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, tram.

Currently listening: Coldplay, Green Eyes (amongst other things).


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