Big ups to Jacks Mannequin for my title.
Two weeks into February. Two years in Prague. Too many things I haven’t done. Too many things that have happened. Too much to say in too many words. Well, I’ll try.
At this time last year, there wasn’t much to say. Friends were here, fun was had, and so on. Work was slow, and I was trying to save for Alicia’s visit and our trip to Dublin.
Again after Dublin, I spent two months recovering until Cassie came. The day she left I met up with Joel. And I feel like since then things have moved so fast that it feels like nothing at all.
I feel like my whole life has changed. But I’m sitting in my same bed, in my same apartment, with the same job, same clothes, same friends… but everything is different.
I’m thinking about things I’ve never thought of before. Granted, there was a time when I thought things were going a certain way. But it was more what people expected, not so much what I (or he) wanted.
Now I’m not sure what is happening. Here is someone who spent all summer selling themselves to me. Spent five weeks making breakfast and giving rides to work and planning trips. And at first, I was hesitant. It was a whole life that I could see, but was it what I wanted? I’ve always held out against that kind of thinking. I want to do what I want to do and everyone else be damned. Some people say selfish, I prefer to call it independent. But I warmed to the idea and decided to go all in.
For me to even put myself out there is kind of a big deal. I haven’t done it in so long and it’s only mildly terrifying. As the cliche goes, “you know when it’s right,” and I can only hope that’s true. If not, it might be a rough road. No one wants that.
There are things that I’m considering that I didn’t think would happen…. ever. Or at the very least for a good few years. But here we are. At the beginning of last summer, I said to the roomie, “It’s a whole life I never thought was possible. But I’m not sure if I even want it.” Now if it is what I want, what happens if it all blows up?