Tips on living alone; Vol. 1

When you live alone, never, ever, under any circumstances, step even halfway out of the flat without your keys. Even if you are still standing half in the door to sign for a package, the wind tunnel in your flat will activate, the door will slam shut, and you will be stuck outside in your pajamas with no bra (in a sweatshirt, Danke Gott), no keys, no phone, and a delivery guy.*
The delivery guy (while being very nice), will not speak any English and will then have to attempt to break into your flat for you. You will learn that your windows are very secure and that there is “keine Chance” to break in through the window. This is slightly reassuring. Meanwhile, the “Katze” that stalks you from the balcony two flats down, is watching the show and meowing at you. You consider breaking him out of his balcony and sending him in to get your keys. But then you remember that bunnies are better for reconnaissance. Damn.
He, (the delivery man, not die Katze), will then indicate the door and speak German very quickly, wherein you are able to discern the words “Tür” and “kaputt.” And you will shrug your shoulders and say, “Ja, bitte.” Yes, delivery man, please break my door. Because I really wish I was wearing a bra right now. 
Super Delivery Man will then back up the few feet to the railing, and throw his shoulder into the door like a member of a God-damn SWAT team. The door will bust open, your previous feelings of security in your flat will crumble, and you can now put on a bra. 
The peasants rejoiced, danced, and made merry. 
The good news is that I can still shut and lock the door, but it does not feel super-secure. It’s definitely kaputt, but it could definitely be worse. So I emailed my landlord, apologizing profusely, and hopefully we can get someone over to do something about it. 

So that was my morning. How was yours???

*No, this was not the beginning of a pornographic film I once saw. 


4 thoughts on “Tips on living alone; Vol. 1

  1. Hello, I just found your blog on one of those expat blog listing things. This sounds like it was 100% awful, but on the plus side it's made a brilliant blog post, thanks for making me smile! Coincidentally, I wore my swimming costume under my clothes to go to the pool this morning, forgot to take my bra and pants and had to walk home fully commando. It turned out to be quite liberating, but then I had keys to get back into my building.

    I look forward to reading more of your blog 🙂

  2. Danke again Frau Dietz! It was quite a fantastic morning. Not so much when I spoke to my landlord and found that I will probably have to foot a hefty bill to fix the damage to the doorframe. I'll be getting that German liability insurance (or something?), asap!!
    But if it makes a few people giggle, that's fine with me. And bravo on your liberation!
    Thanks again for the compliment, I enjoy your blog as well (and just bought sweet corn today myself!!)

  3. Thank you, too 🙂 And oh dear, that's embarrassing, shows how bad my memory is (and how many blogs I attempt to keep up with!) that I only commented on one of your posts last week and already feel the need to reintroduce myself 😉 Sorry :S I have no idea about the insurance… but yay for sweetcorn!

  4. Haha, quite alright! My memory is not so hot myself… all the more reason to write stuff in here for when I'm old and senile (like, next week). Sweet corn was delish!

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